Ode To The Magical Negroes: A Tale of Time

In the future, all black people are wizards. So have your fun now. 

One might read a title like that and say to himself, (because one only means a man and those are the only inner thoughts that are of importance.) again, one might say to himself, "hmmmm.... self, I did not know that the Strickin was run by Bill Cosby" or contrarily "Finally, I find out when my adopted black baby will learn magic!" These are the only possibilities that exist when one (a free land-owning male) gazes upon those nine words above. I will carry on this one-sided discussion and attempt to be as much not a racist as I am much a racist. Wait, I mean I am not "much a racist" but I am saying that I will "not" be racist just as much as I "will" be racist. No racism is what I am saying, no racist things or yeah no race. I mean yeah there is race obviously, but there is no "ism" against the races.

Let's just dive right in here. You may know them as "Magical Black Men", "Black Magical Men", "Blackgical Men" or "Magic Blacks". However the origin is, be it archaic as it is, "Magic Negro". Now without delving too deep into the logistics of what exactly Magic is, or the difference between non-magical Negroes and Magic Negroes or Hidden Magic Negroes or just plain old good Negroes who appear magical, magical Negroes who appear good and Good Negroes whose magic appears, or as Spike Lee would call them, "Super-Duper Magical Negro" as he derides their magical negro-ness, without doing that, I present the first edition of the most powerful Blackgical appearances in Blinema Blistory. 

Edition 1: 

1. Song Of The South (1946) Uncle Remus

James Baskett plays "Uncle Remus", an gray-haired amiable Negro Pappy who shucks and jives his way into Johnny's (Bobby Driscoll) troubled life. He pops up whenever the boy needs a life-lesson, or a cheery song, or to soak in his sagacious Negro-ness. This made the top one because "Zippidie Doo Dah Zippidie Aye", he had the whole freaking cartoon forest singing with him. 

2. Ghost (1990) Oda Mae Brown

Whoopi Goldberg plays "Oda Mae Brown" a con-artist medium who communicates with the ghost Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze). Unfortunately this Magical Negro was not as trusted, Molly Densen (Demi Moore) reports Magic Whoopi Negroberg to the authorities. This made number two because Whoopi Goldberg tells an old white woman to quiet down when she asks to speak to her dead husband...so much magical Negrumption ballage (mix of Negro and gumption for all those non Pirsig fans).

3. Bruce Almighty (2003) God
Morgan Freeman plays "God". He transfers his powers to Jim Carrey who uses them to give his wife bigger breasts. Let that sit. He eventually realizes his actions are as selfish as Magical Negro Freeman (ironic, no?) says they are. The most glorious Blackgic (please try and say that out loud) moment is when Jim uses Freeman's granted powers to anatomically engross his wife's chesticles. Though this isn't a direct action of Freeman himself it is one that stems from his granting of blackgical powers. Also that scene is just mystical; you should watch it. Also when you look at the picture, imagine Freeman saying this in your head: "Rest your head upon my bosom, thus freeing yourself from men whose voices cannot be conjured in your deepest thoughts. Please do not use my voice to narrate the rest of this article because that would not sound awesome."

4. The Green Mile (1999) John Coffey
This is an actual Magical Negro, strange that I put him in the fourth place but I did and you can't stop me. Wow that was painfully unfunny. John Coffey is a huge large giant black man accused of killing two young white girls, in Alabama. He is put on death row, and while on death row he heals everyone's UTIs and dead mice. He is in fourth because, well, Morgan Freeman and Whoopi, come on, but also because one of the most riveting scenes in the movie is when he grabs the infamous crotch of Tom Hanks and shakes it violently. I mean come on, his greatest trick that involves a human is an angry crotch shaking magic. Yet it is in fact blatant magic, which is why he is in the top five of the top seven of the top ten and not lower.  Please, please when you look at this photo imagine how strong of a grip he had on baby gump shrimp.

5. Not Another Teen Movie (2001) The Wise Janitor 

Yes. I am completely and utterly aware what an a debasing example I have chosen. Up until this point I have used very respectable movies. I cannot be more honest when I tell you that I was perusing my vast database of movies, looking for ones with black guys in them and this was literally the first one I saw just now. I am sorry. This is the absolute truth. I am not wasting your time; I promise. Um, okay, let me see, pick up where we left off...time/movie/magic/negro ahh yes. Okay. This is an especially wise magical Negro cameo because it is done by the pitier of fools. That's right, Mr T.! His role in this movie actually parodies the role of the magical Negro by epitomizing it.

While stingray hunting near Cains, Australia, shooting a series called "Ocean's Deadliest," Steve Irwin was stabbed in the heart by the barb of a stingray. His last words were: "Don't worry, they usually don't swim backwards." The aquatic animal then proceeded to swim backwards and stab him in the heart. When I said in the beginning of this article that the Black people of the future are wizards, I meant that with the greatest concern. Doubting that warning is like Steve doubting that stingray: black people can swim backwards, and they will stab you right in the heart with their wizard magic. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: this post may or may not have been written by an actual (non-magical) black person.