Independence from Everything Regular Day

As I write this the clock over my head reads 1:05. It would say AM, too, but it's an old-fashioned clock with hands so it can't say actual words. If it could, though, I'm sure the first thing out of its weird Turing-test-passing steampunk mouth would be "Shut that stupid music off and go to sleep already." It's an oldish clock that needs its beauty sleep, so that's understandable. But then the second thing it would say would definitely be "Why the hell are there fireworks going off at one oh friggin' clock in the morning?!" This short outburst tells us three things about this clock: firstly, it is easily irritated and would not do well in social situations with large groups of other clocks; secondly, even though it is a clock it does not seem to grasp the concept of days and thus has no way to tell that today is July Fourth, Independence Day for the United States from (like everybody else on Wikipedia's list) Britain; thirdly, it is a communist, because it hates great American people, fueled by great American German beer, expressing their great American spirit for this great American holiday with large and greatly explosive American Chinese fireworks. Oh God. I have a Red clock. I will remove this clock from my room before it can Marxify the rest of my appliances. But that can wait until tomorrow, because I'm busy today expressing my independence in every way possible, dammit, and working on holidays is for socialists. 

July 4th is an interesting time for the Fiddy States, on many levels.

Communist clocks aside, it is currently the only day of the year where you can launch loud and brightly obnoxious fireworks in the middle of the night under the pretense of "patriotism." Neighbors complaining about the noise and the fact that it is two in the morning and some of us have work in the morning, so please for the love of God stop lighting off firecrackers below our window? Remind them that you have a right to set off explosions in your backyard at any hour of the night. It's in the Constitution. And the Bill of Rights, right under the section about public urinals and snakes in airports. That's the law. Neighbors questioning your knowledge of American history? Light more fireworks! Drown out those Nazi protests with the beautiful sounds of liberty detonating in the street. Those fireworks represent all the mortars and cannonballs the American army used to blow up their neighbors, who were probably British-loving Tories and thus deserved to die horribly in a hail of shrapnel and – hold on. That's not right. No, no there must be a better, less bloody reason Americans use pyrotechnics to celebrate a day of independence besides whatever I make up. Maybe the cannons going off during the actual war? Did we kill French during this war? 'Cause that could justify some giant cowboy-hat-shaped midnight fireworks...no, the French were on our side this time. Damn. So much for that easy out. There really doesn't seem to be any good reason for Fourth of July fireworks besides "giant shiny explosions in the sky are fun and sorta celebratory." But really, what more do you need? The correct answer is more fireworks. 

Correct!

Take that, Stalin.

Some people still have regular work today. I scoff at their bad luck, then remember I'm unemployed and close to broke and scoff at my scoffing. But is working on a national holiday, especially Independence Day, unpatriotic? Which takes precedence: your country, or your occupation? If you think about it, today is basically a federal Sabbath: no working, Barack Obama is the Messiah, but if you really do need to accomplish something you can just say you're an atheist. This can also be justification for skipping up to three days a year for Athiestmas, the official holiday(s) for all us heathens out there that usually falls for me around finals week, but can be called in whenever suits you best, like a favor from a rich person. July Fourth is unique in its country-wide celebration –i.e., everybody can like it– as well as in that it's a federal holiday in which we're actually celebrating something, as opposed to remembering or honoring things/people (Labor Day, Memorial Day, MLK Day, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Day) in a usually more somber manner. The Fourth of July is all about partying for the sake of George Washington, basically. The government wants you to take a break from your job and celebrate with friends or family or at least whoever's at the bar and forget about all the economic woes we're facing. Don't have a job? Join the club! Find some nearby relatives or unemployment line buddies who now have jobs and mooch off the spoils of their work. Maybe you can break in while they're at their new job, borrow some food. Mmm, capitalism tastes so good.

Speaking of segues, perhaps most important to Independence Day is our gastronomical celebration. Each year millions of Americans go on diets, and each July Fourth thousands of them break those diets to gorge on whatever's in front of them: hot dogs, hamburgers, beans, watermelon, bacon, potato salad, cupcakes, regular cake, beans with bacon, fruit salad, coleslaw, apple pie, beans with apples, cherry pie, peach cobbler, ice cream, ribs, beans with beans, and anything else you can find a reason to label as "American". Because that's how the Founding Fathers meant for it to be, no doubt. The Founding Fathers probably had loads of cookouts. Just chillin' on G.W.'s porch, eatin' burgers, talkin' bout democracy and such. They probably exchanged bean recipes. It's like Christmas, except without the excuse of using the gained blubber for warmth in the cold. No, Fourth of July is simply a way to reinvigorate our dwindling exercise sector by forcing guilt- and excessive-amounts-of-food-ridden people to go purchase large numbers of treadmills and Bowflexes in fits of shame. They use them until July 6th, and then the machines sit in their basements until they become outdated. I'm sure this must be working, because no one I know owns a Bowflex but I still see their ads on TV all the time, so someone has to be buying those torture devices.  It's a racket, yes, but Jillian Michaels is behind it so it can't be that bad of a racket.

Correction: Jillian Michael's physique is behind it.

Eating on the Fourth of July is like going dumpster-diving behind a McDonald's: it's a free, basically unlimited supply of food, it's relatively tasty as long as you chase it with beer, but you're going to regret it the next day. Often there's a social aspect to the gorging as well, maybe a hot dog eating contest or a beano-off, which is great because the only thing more patriotic than one person upchucking is two of them doing it. That's real brother-ship right there. That's America at its best.

None of this is appealing to you? No problem-o, Steve Buscem-o! If there's one thing Americans do well, it's compromise. If food, fireworks, and effing work don't do it for you, there's only one way to really celebrate Independence Day, and that's by watching Independence Day. It's a contingency plan, but all the best plans are contingencies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go celebrate re-finding our newfound liberation from scones and corgis by watching Will Smith and Ray Romano, clad only in military stereotypes and the sweat off their chiseled brows, blow up a gigantic alien ship by installing a porn virus on it. A great example of Americans doing what they do best, namely, wait until someone with a commanding presence and/or perfectly coiffed hair comes along and moves their hearts into action. Oh yeah. Just like Jefferson would have wanted.