Homosnacktuals: A Tribute To The Proposal of Mr. Colbert

Beware Tank Man: we are here cookie, we are queer cookie and we will plow cookie right into you. Pun intended.

The Nabisco division of Kraft foods, seller of the "Oreo" cookie, has just recently come out in support of gay relationships.  How deliciously appropriate for a cookie that markets the deliciousness of its "cream filling," to support of any two consenting adults, "filling" each other's carnal desires, regardless of how, or with what they plan to fill them with. An examination of the anatomy of an Oreo will present: two identically spherical surfaces that have each crevice filled to its physical limits, with a foreign and sweet white cream. If that is not a subliminal way of promoting the mud Olympics, then I have been taking entirely too much pleasure in jamming my tongue in the cracks of that slutty cookie, and sucking out my reward. Not to mention the distinct and apropos rush that accompanies the purchase of the "Double Stuf[f]" cookie. It's clear the innuendo this cookie presenting; I'll be damned if I can't recognize all types of consumer-aimed "food-nography" when I see them.

 All wildly inappropriate aphorisms aside, this gesture made on behalf of Kraft foods has stirred serious and frankly disheartening results. The Oreo, as the company shall be henceforth called, publicized its support, in the form of a "sextuplet-layered," gay flag colored, oreo stuff, (as pictured à droite). While some people simply marked the deliciousness potential of this "gay" cookie, others allowed its sexually liberal sugar center, to pump their rage nougat full of its own pious goo. Within a mere 17 hours of being posted, the photo generated more than 157,000 Facebook likes, 40,000 shares, and 20,000 comments. I have picked and annotated the cream of the crop from the many vacillating reactions to share with you. (Names have been excluded to protect the privacy of these so appropriately opinionated Americans).

Complaints:

• "Will not be buying Oreos again." Oh no, now Oreo has one less customer out of the millions of Americans who file into the snack food aisle of every food-market and undoubtedly leave with at least one Kraft product. Your obese children will survive you, and they will feast upon Oreos regardless of who the cookie wants, or doesn't want them to sleep with. 

Thus I shall strike down from the heavens
 all cookies that lay with their sugar-filled
brethren. 

• “God’s stance hasn’t changed since Sodom and Gomorrah. Any REAL Christian would never support homosexuality.”” Fortunately for Kraft they don't peddle Christian snacks. There's no "God's Miracle Whip," or "Capri-sunofjehovajireh," and certainly no "Cheezuz Whiz." I believe I have proved my point. 

• "Being gay is an abomination in GOd's eyes i wont be buying them anymore."
Here we have one of the divine prophets of the jesus-man himself, who is also apparently a Facebook user. I mean why wouldn't God's army be modernized, and coupled with that sentiment, be so avidly concerned with the sexual orientation of the free world? Apparently, with numbers like: 1.7 million Americans a year losing their homes; 750,000 Americans over the age of 70 dying from hunger due to financial constrictions; and 5.98 infant deaths for every thousand births; God has his "eyes" on cookies. Not just any cookie mind you, just the gay ones. 

Support:

• “You Bible-thumpers ended up on the wrong snack’s page. Shouldn’t you be protesting Fig Newtons? Everyone knows God hates Figs.”” Well done. 

• “I bet it tastes like freedom. Thank you, Oreo.”” Yes, yes it does like oiled up, and vigorously flexing freedom, all over our "pro-gay" faces. 

• “I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s some milk so dunk me maybe.” Indeed, open wide and let me "oreo-bag" you. 

Mr. Stephen Colbert so aptly suggested that all of our snack foods choose sides on political and trending topics. I will briefly state, using slogans, the views of our favorite foods, and corporations on three current issues: Abortion, Legalizing Marijuana, and Obamacare. 

Anti-Abortion:

1. "Give the Cool Whip, get the love, but remember, it takes a boy to give her the cool whip, but it takes a man to raise his child." (Cool Whip)
2. "Double your pleasure, double your fun, double the reason not to ruthlessly murder your unborn spawn." (Double Mint gum)

This exists.

Pro-Marijuana:

1. "Life tastes better with KFC, but tastes even better on THC." (KFC)
2. "It's like a mouth full of joy, and chest full of OG Purp."(Honey Bunches of Oats)

Anti-Obamacare:

1. "America runs on Dunkin, not on the fascist values perpetuated by the Liberal Agenda." (Dunkin Donuts)
2. "Every kiss begins with Kay, and every hateful attack on the "1%" in a recession begins with Obama." (Kay Jewelers)

It is amazing to me how besot America is with the concept of knowing where everyone stands on everything. Privacy has become an archaic concept that not only has lost its appeal to the individual but also to society as a whole. It saddens me that our media has built an empire upon the notion that once someone chooses to work in front of the public eye, they must also constantly live under the scrutiny of society. We should not care what celebrities do from day to day, just as it should not concern us who our cookies would horizontal tango. It is, quite frankly, immature for people to boycott a cookie because it has openly stated that it could care less about who its customers sleep with. Are they supposed to boycott gay people because some of their customers may not like same-sex couples? Gay money is good money, and there is lots and lots of it. Just saying.