Another Lost Email

HELLO EVERYBODY,




It's cool how I wrote that with CAPS LOCK on, isn't it? Really cool. I was considering writing with normal capitalization like most human beings who send emails do, but then I had an epiphany: if I use REALLY BIG LETTERS, my email will stand out from all the rest of the regular-looking emails. Then people will be more likely to read it and reply to it and cherish it forever. It certainly will not come off in any way as obnoxious and annoying as all hell. That type of thing makes people chuckle inside, and not at all pissed-off at the writer of the email for employing cliched tropes to get your attention! KEEP READING TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY THIS EMAIL IS ABOUT.

Oh, and to the people who have a tendency to hit reply all on these emails and don't realize how much this pisses off people who receive emails that are basically spam to them, don't worry: I specifically made this a school-wide, all-student, all-faculty, email, to ensure that you can show everybody that little inside joke you have with me. Sure, nobody else will think it's even remotely funny, but they're just jealous that they didn't see that one time with Jimmy on the bicycle with the latte! I mean, can you say LOL? I can, many times in a row, and I'll be sure to respond to you with several of them -- making sure that I, too, hit reply all, because if they didn't get it the first time, when they see how much fake laughter I generate towards it, they'll definitely think it's hee-larry-us! LOL!

Don't leave yet, though: I haven't even gotten to the best part! I wasn't sure if the capital letters were clear and visible enough, so I, proudly utilizing the artistic ability of a kindergartener, have thrown in some FANCY COLORED LETTERS!!! WITH LOTS!!! OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! Oh pooey, sadface emoticon. I thought I could; I certainly tried to make it as tacky and rainbow-y as possible. Unfortunately, my email service wouldn't let me. I've never seen an error sign for "Cannot Send for Fear of Public Humilation" before...probably something up with my IP address. I'll get someone who's actually not that much smarter than me but just applies his knowledge better towards useful things to fix the problem for me.

"What do you mean, it's all upside-down?"

Introspectively, it's pretty amazing that my peers and I are able to do so much with more advanced technology -- text without looking at the keyboard, use that fancy effect on camera apps that makes the picture look old, hit the "quick-switch" button on their browser before someone discovers them watching porn, etc. -- but still haven't really understood how email works. I mean, it has been around longer than texting, photo-modifying applications, (not porn, yes, but nothing's been around longer than porn) and loads of other technologies we take for granted. It's probably one of the easiest technologies to use, right up there with butter knives and the Wii. If you think about it, it's just a purposeful use of typing and you have to click a button at the end. But still people manage to make the giantest social blunders with it. Other people, that is. Not me! LOL!!


Now that I've gotten all that life-changingly important stuff out of the way, I can say what this email is really for. And no, I couldn't have skipped the entire preamble before, because then how would you have known what this email was actually about? If I used a subject line that actually told what the email was about instead of a confusingly vague statement about something lost? That sounds difficult. So yeah, I lost some random and unimportant (textbook/piece of jewelry/both). It's entirely replaceable, and really not that big of a deal (I hate history class anyways) but I think it'll just be easier to find if I send out an email to every person who might have walked around this campus in the last 24 hours. I mean, sure, I just lost it 15 minutes ago, and I haven't bothered looking for it yet in the slightest, but I have really important things to do, so I'll put everybody on Red Alert for a single World Civilizations textbook while I play Doodle Jump. Before you ask -- no, my name's not in it. I wasn't planning on losing it, so why would I have written my name in it?


Also, if you do find it, I may or may not give you a completely insignificant reward. I haven't decided if it will be: a) a used Barnes & Noble gift card with under five bucks left on it; b) some baked goods that I will force my mom to make for me, because baking is silly; or c) a hug, possibly two. Maybe I'll let you choose! Actually probably not. You can have some brownies.

And you'll damn well enjoy them.

I don't think I'll say thanks before I end this email, since you haven't helped me out yet, and I have no reason to thank you yet, do I? Also, even though this is a pretty big school, and not everybody knows each other on sight, I think if I just use my name and no other form of ID, especially not a picture, people will know exactly who they're helping out and who they should return my stuff to when they find it. Hey, you know what would be really funny? Even funnier than the colored letter thing? If I use a stupid nickname that, like, two people call me! So only they would get it, but nobody else could be further confused about who I am! At all! LOL! I'm definitely doing that!


Ben "The Shaker" Hornung


Sent from my iPhone


(P.S. I would turn the automatic signature off, but I really think it adds a lot of character to my emails and sets them apart from all the other emails sent from iPhones every day, you know?)