It's that time of the year again. And by "that time of the year" I mean it's mothereffin' Christmas. No explanation needed, because come on. Everyone knows about Christmas, whether you want to or not. It's the overdue pregnancy of holidays: brazenly advertised for weeks before, obnoxious and overhyped when it finally arrives and the only reason you are willing to put up with some family members for a short amount of time.
But what if, despite all the cookies and presents and songs (so many damn songs), you have tired of Christmas? Perhaps you even want to subtly work in my title and ruin Christmas? Well, ho ho ho, you've come to the right place, sonny. Because I have just what you're looking for.
I'm going to assume, for the sake of time and my research abilities, that you and your family are Christians. Because that's who Christmas is really for, ain't it? It's in the freakin' name. And besides, Jesus really ONLY loves the Christians. The others are just friends, very platonic. He just says he loves them so they won't feel bad about the whole not-going-to-heaven thing.
I'm writing from this frame of reference, not because I'm a bible-thumping evangelical, but because it's the only one I've known, having been raised Episcopalian (got a lady bishop, biotches!) before embracing science and atheism. Please forgive me, Grandma. To the Jewish, Muslim, Rastafarian, etc. people out there, I applaud your religion's decision to not require baby-worshiping or barefacedly lying to small children about a polar-dwelling man so they'll be good for a few weeks of winter. Now, you might not get some of my suggestions. But feel free to adjust them as you see fit. I would do it for you, but...see above note about research abilities. For some reason, it isn't as easy to ruin Hanukkah. I blame the fact that it's spread out over eight days, while Christmas is just one.
These are the two main tacks you can take in destroying "the hap, happiest season of all": either you take out the baby in the barn, or the fat man in the suit. Either one should be more than effective in destroying cheer and love and all the nice things about Christmas. Especially those damn songs. Follow the guides below for help. Protip: the more religiously fanatic your relatives are, the more effective this tactics will be!
Jesus:
The birth of Jesus Christ (as in, "Jesus Christ! That's a big centipede!") is probably the main reason this holiday exists at all. But you already knew that, didn't ya, you smartypants? Well, I'm gonna brainblast with this: he probably wasn't born on December 25th, or even in winter at all. Suck on that knowledge-pop. Chances are, it was either fall or spring. Nobody's really sure (for obvious reasons), but it sure as hell wasn't December 25th. So, why do we celebrate it then? Did God say so? Was it just a random date? Ha! IRONY ALERT: it's because of the pagans. See, early Christians wanted to seem as pagan-friendly as possible, so they made the celebration day of their savior coincidentally coincide with the birth of Mithra, a Persian god, and the festivities of popular Sun-worship cult. God didn't say anything: they were just pandering to the masses. Gotta admit, it worked. When in doubt, simply spurn all your relatives' religious advances ("Like hell I'm saying Grace with you guys!") and become sullen and hostile.
Santa:
Santa Claus. This Northern Neurosurgeon of Toys, this Snowy Sleighdriver, Obesity masquerading as Jolliness, has served as a great child-rearing tool for parents over the years: kids love toys, so why not tell 'em being good will get them more toys? Works out for both parties. However, for those looking to counteract the tales of the parents, bring in your old pal science again. Any of the points listed in that brilliant article will do it, and you don't even have to get into macromolecular objects or time travel. Bam: instant holiday tradition disproving. Bonus- the parents look like idiots. For most effectiveness, bring up this up in front of as many small children as you can find. When bawling and gnashing of teeth ensues, run away, perhaps punching a toddler on the way out. Just for good measure.
So you did all of it? Even the part that entailed the crushing of children's spirit? Congratulations! You are officially the douchiest man this side of the Rockies. Jim Carrey takes off his Grinch suit before you, sir. You're not supposed to take it all so literally. Remember? Humor site? Christmas doesn't have to be all bad.
(Warning: Sappy Moral Ending Ahead.)
Sure, Christmastime can get boring and annoying and so many damn songs but still- it's Christmas. You're on break, there might be snow, it's almost a new year: all great reasons to be happy and not take your pent-up celebratory hatred out on those around you. Feel free to drop some knowledge bombs, but do it in fun, not to piss somebody off. Or at least don't piss them off too much. No reason anyone should not have a good time this season. And definitely, definitely no toddler-punching. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the festive lights.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
My gift to you: a cat. You're welcome.
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