The GOP Strikes Again!

We at the Strickin try to stay out of American political affairs as much as possible. Why? Because the field of politics, unlike the field of internet comedy, is usually quite serious (boring), actually has an effect on the real world (double boring), and contains little to no cats doing un-catlike things (triple-bored jackpot). In humor there are some constants as to what is funny and what is not funny. For example, exploding furniture? Funny. Jell-o? Hilarious. Lymph nodes? Never funny. It's a universally understood thing. In politics, however, what's funny to one person can be viewed as an offer to light a puppy on fire for someone of an opposing view. Sometimes they'll hate what you're saying simply for the sake of trashing the other side, even if they personally agree with what you said.
So humor and politics, much like ninjas and pirates, do not usually play well together.
But this time I simply could not keep myself away. The Republican presidential candidates in one way or another have all offered themselves up to be metaphorical fodder for the metaphorical cannon of metaphorical metaphors. We've covered it in part before, but that just scratched the surface of the hilarity that refers to itself as the GOP (Gentlemen Oblivious to Pain) primaries. At first it looked to be a seven, maybe even eight (if Sarah Palin finally stopped putzin' around) person race. Thankfully for your attention spans, the field has been narrowed down to four candidates. For the sake of the lulz, I've assigned them all nicknames that accurately portray a main story surrounding their campaign. I will not, however, go into their individual views, since those are readily available on any other site, anywhere. And that's not how we roll here. To start off:

Newt "Ladies' Man" Gingrich
If I were Newt Gingrich, I would feel good about myself. I, Newt Gingrich, have just won the South Carolina primary, beating out onetime-favorite Mitt Romney, and since the 70s the winner of South Carolina has gone on to win the Republican nomination. Plus, my parents named me after a tiny amphibian, so how can I not be as thrilled as a famous Michael Jackson song? It doesn't matter that my wife, wife #2 of 3, is accusing me of adultery and I, Newt Gingrich don't seem to have much of a comeback for her accusations. Nah, cheating ain't that bad. Besides, I asked if I could do it, so it's a-okay!
Newt Gingrich -- for our weirdest-named president since Millard!

Mitt "I <3 Corporations" Romney
Mitt's been slacking. Originally called the only man capable of beating Barack Obama, he's now fallen to a second place after Newt Gingrich. With the recount in Iowa giving it to Santorum, he really has only won one Republican primary. That doesn't bode too well for his campaign. Plus, he's recently developed a severe case of stupiditis (stage 7) and taken to calling corporations, i.e. those business things that aren't people, as people. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your dream has come true: you can now marry Walmart, as long as it's not gay or anything. In conclusion, I think I speak for the American public when I hope that Mitt is, in fact, short for Mitten.
Mitt Romney -- for someone who was once the frontrunner!

Rick "Don't Google My Name" Santorum
I almost feel sorry for Ricky here. He was recently the subject of an Internet-driven "slander-thon" after he made several anti-gay comments. Basically the universe went all "karma, bitch" on him, and turned the name of a conservative senator into a word whose definition is, ahem: "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex."  However, he did win the Iowa caucus by 35 votes. This is like winning a marathon by having longer toes than the second-placer: sure, it's damn close, but it technically counts as crossing first. Once considered a longshot in this race, he's now in the top three. Your move, universe.
Rick Santorum -- Seriously. Please don't Google my name.

Ron "Crazy" Paul
Ron Paul has been criticized for having political views the way wolves have parties: freakin' insanely. He bears the mindset that whatever everyone else thinks, he will do the complete opposite. In that sense his mother would probably be proud of him not giving in to peer pressure. However, sometimes these views set him so far apart from the rest of the herd that he frightens the rest of the herd away and has to play by himself. A one-man herd, perhaps? Interestingly enough, he is the oldest Republican candidate but is capturing a large amount of the youth vote. Maybe those younguns see something in him that older people don't? Well, if he wants to win any caucus (0 for 4 so far) he should probably get on that soon.
Ron Paul -- Well, not that crazy. Just a tiny bit crazier than everyone else.

The Strickin, being a non-entity corporation (and therefore NOT a person, Mitt), does not have a political affliation. As long as the boneheads in Congress can refrain from shutting down the internet, hell, I could care less which party is in power. So, no, Republicans, I'm not singling your party out because I feel they're the sillier ones. If and when Democrats do something silly, I will gladly and mercilessly bestow upon them stupid nicknames like it's my job. However right now it's the GOP (Guarding Our Penguins) in the spotlight. And you gotta admit, they brought a good amount of this upon themselves.