howto: Make the Most of a Summer Vacation

It's a'comin'.


For some, it's a time of happiness; for others, it just means more uncomfortable weather. But for high school students, summer is like hooking up with a beautiful guy/girl, depending on how you roll: you can't wait for it to start and you hate thinking about when it's going to end. Coincidentally (not like I planned that analogy or anything), that's a major priority in most–that is, all– teenagers' minds. Blame the hormones, blame the weather, blame Donald Trump, whatever. The fact of the matter is, teenagers are lusty little buggers, and will do their darnedest to get themselves a little sumthin' sumthin'. By which I imply sexual deeds, with other teenagers. Do I really have to explain everything to you people? Jeeze.


But, back on track, all high schoolers look forward to summer.
It's not that they hate school. Well okay, they do, but that's beside the point. It's more their natural desire for freedom, that beautiful red and white striped thing proudly waving within their souls, right next to the apple pie and baseball. Every teen wants nothing more than to just break away from all things structured and embrace their personal independence. What better time to do this than during the summer, where you don't have to worry about silly things like education, or interaction with society? And a large percentage of people ages 14-18 do exactly this, finding someway to free themselves and reinvent themselves. Of course, around the same percent manage to latch onto some ridiculously useless or harmful practice, i.e boozing themselves beyond recognition or drugs or skiing (don't ask me how), and stick with it the whole summer, then making it a year-round thing, then making it a life-long thing, then you're fucked.


So, you're probably saying to yourself, "Oh Ben, I'm such a pitiful and weak-minded teenager!" Yes, I know. Since you didn't hear my comment, you probably are still talking, whining something along the lines of "Please Ben, you're so wise and powerful and so much more beautiful than I am, teach me how to not become a loser [too late] and waste my summer becoming a hobo or something like that!" Well, it'll be hard with hair like that. Yet I shall try to bestow upon thee a pittance of ideas on how to spend thy summer in the best way possible. (Bam. Whippin' out the Shakespeare like Hamlet.)

Minus the skull.

Follow this simple (by normal human standard) 5 question key and figure out which path, which ideals and which goddamn hair gel is best for you.


1. The major thing I want to accomplish this summer is:


 a) Become a completely self-reliant and functioning member of society


 b) Have an epiphany and discover, within myself, my true purpose in life


 c) Fuck that, I'm going to make slob a verb and do it allll summer long


 d) Join the circus


2. When faced with two decisions, I usually pick:


 a) The rational and more thoughtful one


 b) Eh, doesn't matter what I pick


 c) All of them, just to mess with the douchebags who made me do something like this before noon


 d) The one on the left


3. If I could live anywhere for the rest of my life, I would go to:


 a) A large urban area, filled with lots of job possibilities and ways to further myself


 b) A desert island, because why not


 c) Your mom's vagina! LULZ


 d) A rock


4. To be or not to be, that is the question. What is the answer?


 a) Yes


 b) No


 c) Are you kidding me? Fuck your questions


 d) 65


5. (That wasn't five yet? Hell.) Uh, what's your favorite animal?


 a) The duteous and loyal ant


 b) The majestic and regal lion


 c) The bamftastic great white shark


 d) Those cute asian elephants with the small ears


Answers:


Picked "a" most often: you are an actual boon to society. Stop reading this stupid post and go accomplish something useful, ya big overachiever. You'll most likely achieve what you aim to do this summer, unlike...


Picked "b" most often: you've got potential to do good things, but you waste it on something pointless and stupid. This is why you are on the b-list and not the a, ya doofus. Just stay out of the a-listers' way and we should be alright, okay?


Picked "c" most often: ohh boy. You, my not-friend, are the crux, the bane, the epitomization of "asshole" of society. Nobody likes you, your jokes aren't funny to anyone who has hit puberty, and when you smile the sun loses a little bit of its shine. Every time you exhale is a waste of the plants' photosynthetic abilities. Make like George Washington and die already.


Picked "d" most often: social support was invented because of people like you. Sometimes you're cute, but most of the times you just get annoying. There are people who can help you by giving you lots of pills. You should not be left alone among sharp objects.


Great. Now that you all know where you fall in the great scheme of life, please stick with the plan and NOT eff it up for the people who actually know what they're doing. Thanks.


Have a good summer everyone, don't do anything too stupid. And always remember, when you have nothing to do this summer because your friends ditched you for something cooler, the Strickin is always here for you, like a best friend that just happens to be infinite times sexier and smarter than you are but still hangs around with you because it feels sorry for you.

Like Bozo here.

In a good way, I mean.