Friggin' Dolphins

Ah, dolphins. Our favoritest sea animals. How could we not love them?  Ever-present smiles, seemingly perpetual happiness, and a willingness to  do tricks in exchange for mere mackerel, it's like they were designed  to be our best friends! Heck, they're even a lot like us, with their large levels of intelligence, hierarchy-based social structures, and sleek, agile bodies designed for speed (though that last part might just be me). But  come on, there's definitely a bond between us two species; I mean, just  look at Flipper, you can't fake that kind of love! Or can you...


Just like a jock high-fives his friends before slamming a geek's head into the toilet, dolphins are more than capable of carrying on full of camaraderie with equals, such as humans, yet also pulverizing the puny asses of any lesser being. We've known this for a while. There are loads of studies talking  about the assholian nature of dolphins, it's nothing new. But people still go about their daily lives cluelessly under the impression that  they could swim up to a dolphin and hitch a ride across the ocean. In reality, it'd be more along the lines of swim up to a dolphin and get the shit beat out of you across the ocean. Drowning would also be in there.

The reason I bring this up is, in my cavorting across the annals of the interwebs, I came across a report on a recent porpoise killing on the coast of California. Yes, I know there's a difference between the two animals, so fuck you. In this Californian scenario, the porpoises round out my prior analogy of jocks and geeks: the porpoises (metaphorically) are the ones getting the swirlies and losing their lunch money. And then (literally) dying. See, dolphins don't even play it fair in their roles of bully; groups of five or more dolphins take on a single porpoise, who were sleeping when God handed out lasers at Creation and therefore can't defend  themselves very well, especially outnumbered 5 to 1. To complete the comparison even further, all the dolphins that had a hand (fin?) in this attack were young males,. I only assume that they were also somewhat acne-ridden and in love with Tha Carter IV.  Maybe they'd just lost a football (tailball?) championship? Drunk off some prom night spiked punch?

Nobody's completely sure why the dolphins participate in this bloody behavior. However, some guy named Mark Cotter who works at a dolphin institute and knows what he's talking about, labeled the attacks as, "'object oriented play' during the  breeding season by young males who cannot get access to females because  of competition from older males." To clarify, he added: "They are taking out their frustrations." Hmm...an action performed by frustrated young males who can't get ladies...why does that sound similar to something humans d– yeah, that's masturbation.  Fun fact of the day, folks:  dolphins kill to get off! Mull that one over in your only-slightly-larger-than-a-dolphin-sized brain. Some people say that dolphins are in fact more socially advanced than humans; does this mean that substituting murderin' for wankin' is the next evolutionary step?

Pictured: Dolphin jerkin' it.

Before you get to thinking too deeply over the question I posed (really, you weren't supposed to actually answer, it was just something to ponder over), I'd like to leave you with one thing. Often, dolphins are given such fancy and false titles as "Geniuses of the Sea" or "Cool People of the Sea," or even "Those Kids From High School Who Had Everything They'd Ever Need For Life And Everyone Liked Them of the Sea". However, I've  come up with a much more fitting –and partially alliterative– one that should catch on quickly. Dolphins: Douchebags of the Sea. Start using it. Together, we can spread the news of this dolphin bullying sweeping the ocean and stop it before it gets out of control. Remember what Salty the Sea Bear says: only you can prevent dolphins from being assholes.