RNDMTR: If Obama Fought Romney

When Ohio was seized by the Canadians, its representatives were removed from the total, leaving the electoral college split evenly Democratic-Republican down the middle. Then the Supreme Court all quit to become professional NFL referees. So it came to be that the only truly fair way to determine the 2012 Presidential Election was a best-of-five boxing match between the candidates, thus definitively proving once and for all that fighting really is the highest form of democracy.
Barack "Bear-Hugger" Obama lands the first punch, knocking Willard "R-Money" Romney over the Oval Office desk. Hot Mittens strikes back with a hook to the jaw that catches El Prez and sends him backpedaling into the wall, but instead of pressing his advantage, the Businessman of Steel makes the tactical error of backing off and letting the O-Man recover. This is all Barack the Rock needs to make a running tackle that carries the Bainster over and down into the couch, ending with them entangled in a compromising position that Michelle or Ann probably wouldn't approve of. An awkward silence reigns over the West Wing for a second, filled only with the heavy breathing of the dueling candidates as they quickly extricate themselves and return to the center of the room with red faces and heaving chests. Both men, not used to exerting so much energy in fighting, agree to take a mutual fiver to catch their breath. They're about to restart the fracas-ing when suddenly the Oval Office doors burst open, revealing Ron "Doctor Doctor" Paul on a tiger-pulled chariot. He has a trident. He only brandishes it twice before the tired combatants cede the fight. Ron Paul is declared the champion on account of tigers, and thus becomes the President. His first executive order is to march on Canada and take Ohio back for the cars; however, this plan quickly falls apart when Canada, laughing, gives Ohio back after it discovers Cleveland. Romney and Obama quit politics and join together as a WWE tag team called "ManiFist Destiny".

Randominator