To the Editor:
I am more than slightly aggrieved at your recent article titled “The Reason All Those People Disappeared In The Swamp is the Alligators,” published in the July edition of Cajun Quarterly. What a piece of utter nonsense. The author of this article, the so-called “Dr.” Harrison Saunders, has obviously never been close to the titular swamp, near Lake Okeechobee, and it is more than possible that he has never even been to the South in general. I am currently launching a full-scale investigation into this man to ensure that he's really who he says he is, because all signs point to a giant crocodilian NO. It pains me to see paginated real estate go to waste on such anti-reptile slander as that which this fraud has written. For the sake of clarity, I shall sum up my argument against the man and the piece in three (3) points. In this way he shall be reduced to a blubbering pile of idiotic tears and resurfaced daddy issues. If he is even a real person and not a sub-par automated word processor.
Firstly: Harry (hopefully he hates the name Harry, and by using it I shall demean and emasculate him) incorrectly states in his opening paragraph that all evidence points to the alligators of the swamp as being the main antagonists in the latest disappearances of 43 people who have entered it. To quote Harrison himself: “they eat the people. Just completely gobble them up.” Ha! I repeat, ha! This man is an idiot. Tell me this, sir, Mr. Editor, Mr High-and-Mighty-Atop-His-Throne-of-Alligator-Related-Lies: if the alligators are eating people whole, then why have people who live by the swamp, people far more qualified to write any piece of literature than this quack, found, at last count, three hands, four feet, and seven ears? Last I checked, which was yesterday, alligators do not leave behind assorted body parts in semi-obvious places in the swamp. Gobbling up does not entail strategically discarding hacked-off limbs to be found later by passers-by. That is very un-alligator-y behavior. In fact, the only way in which this could be any less alligator-y is if there were to be actual visual proof that it wasn't an alligator committing these horrific crimes but instead, say, a human male, approximately really attractive and wielding a machete he sharpened himself? Would that be enough evidence for this feeble-minded fraud of a scholar? Perhaps he should have waited a day or two before publishing this misuse of space.
Firstly: Harry (hopefully he hates the name Harry, and by using it I shall demean and emasculate him) incorrectly states in his opening paragraph that all evidence points to the alligators of the swamp as being the main antagonists in the latest disappearances of 43 people who have entered it. To quote Harrison himself: “they eat the people. Just completely gobble them up.” Ha! I repeat, ha! This man is an idiot. Tell me this, sir, Mr. Editor, Mr High-and-Mighty-Atop-His-Throne-of-Alligator-Related-Lies: if the alligators are eating people whole, then why have people who live by the swamp, people far more qualified to write any piece of literature than this quack, found, at last count, three hands, four feet, and seven ears? Last I checked, which was yesterday, alligators do not leave behind assorted body parts in semi-obvious places in the swamp. Gobbling up does not entail strategically discarding hacked-off limbs to be found later by passers-by. That is very un-alligator-y behavior. In fact, the only way in which this could be any less alligator-y is if there were to be actual visual proof that it wasn't an alligator committing these horrific crimes but instead, say, a human male, approximately really attractive and wielding a machete he sharpened himself? Would that be enough evidence for this feeble-minded fraud of a scholar? Perhaps he should have waited a day or two before publishing this misuse of space.
Secondly: Sandy (which I consider to be even more demeaning than Harry) blatantly ignores all signs pointing to a large absence of alligators within the swamp. To quote him yet again: “There is a boatload of alligators. In the swamp. You could probably fill several boats with the number of alligators that exist in the swamp. Cruise ships, really. A boatload of boatloads of alligators. That's what lives in this swamp.” Excuse me for a moment while I go and vomit my jubilant laughter into the nearest trash receptacle. Okay, I have now returned to my typewriter and will continue tearing this man apart. According to a recent government study, the species of alligators that makes its home within this swamp has been recently placed on the endangered species list because someone who lives near the swamp, possibly in it, there's no way of telling, has been shooting them all and turning them into jackets or, if there's not enough hide for a full jacket, boots and belts. Current National Wildlife Conservation Society estimates put the local alligator numbers at around 50 or so, probably less by tomorrow. Under no circumstances do enough alligators live in the swamp to kill and eat, or eat and kill, depending on how slowly the victims digest, 43 people in under three weeks. That is an impossibly large number. Perhaps they have gotten some, but it's impossible that they've eaten all 43. Most alligators eat the equivalent of one-half a person every two weeks; with this math, 43 persons is enough to last 50 –sorry, 49– alligators about a lot more than three weeks. Your math is way off. There goes any chance you had of maintaining a credible cover as a doctor of anything. Or as a person at all.
Thirdly: I killed all those people. And most of the alligators.
Sincerely yours,
Alexander Andrews
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