Zombie Apocalypses: The Ultimate Social Equalizer

Yes, I'll tie it all in, don't worry.

Everybody complains these days. It's a part of the modern world, like iPhones or two-hump camels. However, it's important to be able to tell the difference between people complaining because they deserve to, and people complaining because they're whiny little biotches. Take celebrities: the very fact that they are "celebrities" automatically exempts them from ever deserving to complain. Oh, Kanye West, you had to sell your third mansion? You're all out of caviar? You can only afford silver cufflinks instead of gold? Gee whiz, the angels will cry diamond tears for you. I can't even begin to see how you could overcome such a heartrending loss. No, no, you can't be expected to move on yet; maybe we can get the president to declare a national day of mourning. Of course, we understand how sad this is for you and your entourage. Perhaps you should go sail on your yacht for a little bit to soothe your poor -- yeah, not so much. A person of that influence and wealth has no right to whine while we plebes still have to live in the suburbs. Yet you only have to browse through Twitter to see that, in fact, these so-called celebrities moan about every little thing that "goes wrong" in their life at the drop of a hat. Often, they don't even need to drop their hats; they just bitch anyway.

These people don't deserve the level of importance we've thrown them up to. But there's no good way to knock them off their perches...or is there? Rhetorical answer, yes, there is. And it's a zombie apocalypse.

Let me clarify something quickly: it does not have to be a zombie apocalypse. Any type of Doomsday would suffice: nuclear holocaust, asteroid impact, new Ice Age, alien locust swarm -- all are perfectly acceptable. I only picked zombie apocalypse because, a) it's arguably the most plausible, b) it's the one I have the most knowledge about and c) fuckin' zombies, man.

Fuckin' zombies is right, man.

Plus, zombies would have the most noticeable effect on the population of Hollywood, where hopefully it would begin. Los Angeles and surrounding areas have a ridiculously high population density, which means that if one poor sucker gets infected pretty soon a shitton of people will also be infected, and so it starts and spreads. And while a nuclear strike/locust swarm could be seen in advance, and allow celebrities to be transported to underground bunkers or wherever they hide the president nowadays, a quick enough zombie outbreak could decimate a city without warning. Which is exactly what we want!

It sounds cruel, I know. I'm sure there are some nice celebrities out there, too; Meryl Streep reminds me of the archetypal grandmother. She probably makes really good cookies. No doubt LA is filled with bystanders who didn't do anything wrong besides deciding to live in LA. But you know what they say: if you're making an omelette, you're going to have to destroy a few eggs with a hammer! Think of it like the Mayans would. These poor innocents are the sacrifices we're making to the Sun God Killemall to ensure that our plan to eradicate celebrities goes off without a hitch. 

For the stars lucky enough to avoid the dead onslaught, this would be a humbling experience. They would be reminded of their roots, of the America they left behind, of clothes plain enough to comfortably flee a walking corpse in. Sure, P. Diddy looks a lot snazzier than you in his fifty thousand dollar gold-leaf suit with genuine bald-eagle wingtips (patriotism included, amen). But trust me, he'll be wishing he had your jeans and scuffed-up Reeboks (on sale) when the undead horde is on his tail. Their being knocked down a peg should hopefully mean less complaints in the post-apocalyptic world, which is something everyone can get behind.Mitt Romney, I may have found your new platform.

The rest of the world would be a much better place after this zombocalypse (my shortened and catchy title, for enhanced hashtagging!), too; even during it, to be honest. When it spreads throughout the country, it would allow the non-Hollywoodites in America (that is, everybody) to remind themselves how pointlessly stupid all the red carpet gossip is. When the remains of their former loved ones spring back to unlife and chase them through the streets, the common people will start to see how unimportant the quibbles of Tom and Katie really were. When the rotting corpse of their landlord crashes into their doorway, they will stop worrying about who's dating Paris Hilton. As they bash in the milkman's festering skull with a crowbar (the best weapon to have during a zombie apocalypse, FYI), they will wonder why they cared so much about Brangelina's marriage, anyway. It's all a matter of perspective. And nothing puts your life in perspective like the undead.

To wax political for a moment, I think that a good ole' zombie apocalypse is exactly what this country needs to get itself back on track. Right now, the divide of upper and middle/lower classes is more evident than ever. An outbreak of zombiism could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and forces the government to reinvest itself in the affairs of the people for the sake of the people. Look at it like another Great Depression: a horrible tragedy, but one that allowed the country to band together and remake itself for the better. 

If we're continuing that Great Depression metaphor, does that mean we should have another ridiculous war? My gut says yes, just to be safe. But how to up the stakes...

Alien invasion, anyone?Vote Ben Hornung 2012: because every country needs a Zombocalypse sooner or later, so why not have ours now?