The Disappearance of Normalcy: Or, Your Kids Aren't Special, Mom

None of these kids are special, either.Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, transvestites of the internet. I come to you today with just one thing. Not the usual fare of cat pictures, no; just a simple semi-rhetorical question: what's the deal with uniqueness? And since when has it been such a big deal? All of a sudden it seems everybody has to be special. No one can be just okay; you're either special or nothing. No middling grey area, no swing-state, no bisexuality in terms of ability, no sir. Mediocrity is punishable by exile and/or death. With some disdain, at least. When was the last time you've heard a mom tell her kid that he's "meh, not bad"? Hopefully never, because that is a mean-ass mom. You can't say those things to kids! You have to make them feel like they're number one in the whole wide world (even if they're not), better than all their friends (which is really doubtful) especially those poopyheads who got cable when you didn't (I'm not the only one, right?). That's a parent's job, jeeze.

So I'm not saying that parents should stop urging their kids on totally. I'm saying that parents of non-unique kids should stop working too hard and boosting their kids' egos, because it makes really everyone else look bad. Plus, it ruins life later for the whole gang, and really messes with statistics.

See, averages exist for a reason.
Mediocrity is the middle class of life: you're not super fancy, or brilliant, or able to fly the spaceship, but still very necessary. You work in the factory that produces the rockets on the spaceship, more like. You're not gonna get any recognition for being mediocre, and you shouldn't. Stay ordinary, because it makes the world easier. Like it or not, mediocre people provide a baseline for everyone to start from and then, if they deserve it, jump up and away from. Or drop down from into poverty and such, but we don't talk about that.

Without an average there'd be no way to, for example, set the mean IQ level. There'd be no way to figure out what constitutes middle class, and then set tax rates (for a grown-up example). Lacks of these would be a problem. Averageness sets up a green zone, of sorts, between the really bad and really good. It's a region of okayness, where normal things go to live. It's perfect, because we need averageness as much as we need averages. It's a necessary and useful tool.

The problem arises when some people, and when I say "some people" I'm talking about parents, start throwing the word "special" around too much. They start dishing it out to every little kid who manages to earn a gold star in hand-clapping or finger-painting. News flash: while everyone can get a gold star for finger-painting (teachers hand that shit out like pedophiles and candy), not everybody can be special. Only some of us.

Of course, there are people who really are special. Like me, or Lance Armstrong, or John Travolta. Pre-Hairspray John Travolta, just to be clear. We have earned and actually deserve that title (Travolta for Pulp Fiction, Armstrong for some biking thing, me for inventing the first kitten-powered electricity plant). The average Joe walking down the street from his job at the supermarket, picking his nose and flicking the boogers into a gutter? He's not really that special. He's mediocre, sure. You know what, though? That's just what we need right now.Sorry, John, we can wait on you. One day, though: Pulp Fiction 2.

For those of you who aren't fluent in dead languages, "mediocre" is formed from two Sumerian roots: medio-, meaning "exactly," and -cre, meaning "like everybody else so stop complaining." And that's really what people mean when they call something mediocre. It's not horrible, but it's not the prettiest pony on the farm, either. It's okay. And there's nothing wrong with being only okay. In fact, it used to be perfectly acceptable to be ordinary. 

But these days everyone has to be special. What the hell went wrong? Personally I blame the Illuminati, though that's just me. You're all entitled to your own opinions. 

To paraphrase a world-famous Disney movie: when everyone is special, no one is. And that's exactly the problem with this newfound craze of giving everyone the title of unique. Genetically speaking, of course it's true. But that's a dumb joke I came up with to appease to science-y types out there. Ability-wise? It's impossible. No way can every single person out there each be good at some task. There's a lot of overlap, as well as a lot of stupidity and cases where someone's not really good at anything. We just deal with that as it comes. Total uniqueness, though, is absurd.

Moms of the world, I'm begging you: stop telling your kids how smart they are. Chances are they're not really that smart, and if they are they'll find out on their own anyway. The only thing you'll accomplish by that is increasing their chance of becoming an alcoholic later in life. This country needs a lot of things right now, but more alcoholics is not one of them. Just compliment them on their hair, or their lunch. Stay away from actual skills, because come on, what skill do little kids have anyway?

And while I'm in the exhortative-speech mood, here's a special PSA to all the kids out there: no matter what your mom tells you, you're not that special. Maybe you're good at one thing, and close to solid at something else. Buuuttt you're probably really shitty at a lot of other things. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. So just grow up and move on. Also, never eat yellow snow.

That's life.

Fine. One cat picture.

Ben Hornung will be accepting donations for his "Kitty Reactor" project as soon as he figures out how, exactly, it'll work. Follow him on Twitter for play-by-play updates of his lunch.