Rapturetastic!

Hey all,

Greetings from Heaven! For those of you who haven't heard, there was this little global event called the Rapture this evening (May 21, 2011), in which all of God's fave people get taken up into Heaven while the poor, heathen, devil-worshipping, Satan-spawned, only-going-to-church-on-Christmas remainder of humanity is left on Earth to suffer. I mean eventually he'll get around to killing them when he destroys the earth in five or so months, but in the meantime they will suffer. Hehe. But anyways, if you couldn't guess by my holy tone or my special ability to make words speak even though they're merely written (just did it again), I, much like a pregnant woman on a bus, got a front seat on the Jesus-train and was taken to Heaven. After some understandably complicated and drawn-out customs procedures–can't have any Episcopalian wannabes sneaking in!– I finally got through the Pearly Gates.

Chances are you've all at one point or other heard Heaven described. Let me tell you: it's better than that. Waaaaayyyy better than that.
It's as if you took your best Saturday ever, multiplied it by a hundred tons of ice cream, add sprinkles, and threw in a pile of cash just for the hell–I mean, heaven– of it all. And even that wouldn't be close to how superbly awesome it is. There aren't words to describe it; even my words that look like this could not properly recount it to you, which is saying something. You'll just have to come and s–oh wait, you can't come! Because you're an unsaved sinner! Slipped my mind, my bad. But seriously this place is the bomb. The big man is about as chill as it comes. He can get you anything, even shit that isn't made yet. Gotta say, playing Halo 6 on my Xbox 720 is off the chain. And the wings? Birds ain't got nuthin' on me. Like a motherfuckin' bumblebee on steroids, that's what I am.

So hopefully you're not whining about your fate as you burn in 5-month torment on earth, and instead are wondering about how to get into Heaven, like I did. Wonder no more, and instead focus on the scorpions swarming your appendages.

Like this, except bigger!

Being the kind, generous, Jesus-lovin' man that I am, hence the whole "being-in-Heaven" thing, I will share with you the single most valuable site since Nazareth. Once, I was a normal lowlife, like you. I cheated, I gambled, lots of fun stuff. And I was better at it than a blind black man is at playing piano. But then I heard the Rapture was impending, and I was struck dumb with fear/lightning. Through the guidance, worship, and occasional request for donation from Ebiblefellowship.com, I was able to figure out what I needed to do to ensure my place in Heaven, and even request what kind of place I wanted when I got up there (2 bed., 2 bath., jacuzzi and gas oven). That's why I'm up here, quite literally on cloud nine, and you're experiencing excruciating flames and eternal damnation. Expect the walking dead any day now. By using the above site, and others like it, you can get a second chance at gettin' into Awesomeland. Hopefully, in between Judgment Day (today) and the actual end of the world (add five months), you can put in enough Hail Marys and Our Fathers to garner yourself forgiveness. If you do, come visit me at 10131147 St Paul Ave, right between the Laundromat and the DQ.

Holily yours,
Ben Hornung, Raptured #493012