Refudiation: Or, Why Sarah Palin Would Make A Kick-Ass President

Take a bit of FDR. Not the polio part, just the overall popularity with the American people. Mix with it the rabid bloodthirst of Andrew "Duelmaster" Jackson, sprinkle in the word-inventing of George "Nucular" Bush, and top it all off with the mad accurate shooting skillz of Teddy "Bear" Roosevelt. And put it in a dress. That creature you just created is about half as formidable as Sarah Palin. What follows is a small little ode to the Duchess of Denim, the Baroness of Bad-ass, her Majesty of Mooseland, and one day, the President of America.
Sarah Palin, who I like to call "The Best Person America Has Ever Seen Because She Is So Awesome, Amen" or "Mama Grizzly" for short, has redefined the American politician by mixing in pieces of all different walks of life.
She is a mother of five children, which clearly makes her competent to discuss things related to kids, like education; in fact, one of her children has Down Syndrome, meaning she's the go-to girl on all things medical. Originally she held the position of Alaskan Governor, until she discovered that title didn't give her free rein to hunt moose all day and quit so she could spend more time with "her family" hunting moose. Evidently her political experience is off the charts. But before you label her as a gun-totin' meat-lovin' Commie-hatin' Republican, let me remind you that she is a staunch supporter of the Tea Party movement, making her not a gun-totin' meat-lovin' Commie-hatin' Republican but a gun-totin' meat-lovin' Commie-hatin' Tea Partier. Duh.
Recently she decided to take her fantastic-ness to a new medium, one that she had not actively explored because before there weren't enough bears to kill: television. Sarah Palin's Alaska, as the brilliantly groundbreaking piece of visual art is titled, follows, you guessed it, Mama Grizzly through her day-to-day life as one of the most fabulous and influential people ever. Along the way we meet her children, including the astutely named Trig, Track, and Willow. Whoa there, slow up everybody. Don't go steal their names for your own children all at once. As remarkable of names might they be, not everyone can pull off naming their children something like Bristol.
Speaking of amazing words, lest I forget to remind you (though how could I?), Sarah Palin is on par with Shakespeare, in both her mind and mine, for the conception of the word "refudiate," a fantastic combination of the words "refute" and "repudiate." When she first spake this glorious word, mere mortals could not handle it, and erupted in anger. Their undeveloped brains evidently could not handle the sheer breathtaking-ness of the situation. It was the Grand Canyon of words, and only Mama Grizzly had the sheer bravery, nay, the audacity, to scale into its wordly depths while everybody else stood on the sides, wetting their pants just staring into its abyss. What has Obama done for the furthering of the English language? Probably nothing, since he is, you know, a Muslim.
So you say, "OK, I get it, Sarah Palin is the best thing to happen to America since Ronald "Cowboy" Reagan, I'll vote for her in 2012." To which I say, "Damn right you will. And buy her book too," to which you say "of course, now stop hitting me with a moose head." Wuss.
Now let that presidential mashup from the first paragraph loose into the Alaskan wilderness. Watch carefully as it walks about 40 feet. You know, looking at it from this distance makes it almost...KABLAM. President Palin harpoons it from a helicopter. Welcome to Sarah Palin's America.

Just another day in the office.