howto: Get a Good Tan

Ohh yeah.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Back by popular demand and a sudden lack of laziness on my part, The Strickin's world-famous "howto" column has returned just in time for me to remind you what exactly you're doing wrong with your life, and how to do it better this time. Life coaches often charge hundreds of dollars for advice like this, and I'm giving it to you completely free. No yeah, you're definitely welcome.

As many of you may have heard, recently in New Jersey a mother was accused of taking her young daughter into a tanning booth after said child declared to her class that she had gone tanning with her mother. It's the mother's word against the daughter's, so nobody's really sure what exactly went down. Regardless of whether her child simply forgot her sunscreen or was herded into a tanning booth like a fat tourist onto a cruise ship, the fact remains that this is just a disgraceful event. I mean seriously, just think of that poor child. Even if she didn't actually tan with her mom, "very badly sunburned" is beyond unhealthy for a child of her age. If she did go in the tanning booth, she should get her money back because she wasn't even tanned! Her mother obviously has never read this column, otherwise she would have been able to turn her child properly from "Scandinavian" to "Pacific Islander". A very bad sunburn sounds to me more along the lines of "Overcooked Maine Lobster," which isn't even a real ethnicity. That poor child. Stuck between alabaster and rawhide at an awkward boiled. How all her friends from the Jersey Shore must have laughed at her plight when they all went clubbing. 

"And I says, I says to her, 'Like hell you can get in with those heels!' Six-year-olds don't know how to party these days."

So, to avoid such social faux pas in the future, I am taking it upon myself to educate the masses about the proper way to tan, which is a larger problem than you might think. Because if there's one thing The Strickin wants to change about the world, it's the lack of correctly tanned peoples.
And I figure that, since summer's coming, it'd be a good skill to have in your back pocket. Or you could twist it completely to destroy your enemies, but hey, I don't tell you what to do with it, just how to use it.

Now, for those of you out there who are afraid of the outdoors, I'd like to take a moment to explain exactly what tanning entails. Without mincing words, it's a popular activity in which people irradiate themselves with harmful UV rays known to cause skin cancer in basically everyone ever, to look darker. Usually it's done by people laying in areas of bright sunlight (e.g. beaches, rooftops, sidewalks, Guantanamo Bay, etc), but recently technology has given us major advancements that make it possible to get a tan without having to undergo the strenuous activity of breathing fresh air. Tanning booths can give you a full-body orange-y glow in less time than it takes for the sun's light to reach the earth. Or, for the truly lazy, you can spray on a tan from a bottle! Paint is also an option, but that's a bit on the weirder side to be honest.

There are more options than there are child-sized skeletons in the Catholic Church's closet (figuratively speaking). But how do you choose the one that's right for y--why of course, I'd love to help, thanks for asking. There are two basic factors you need to figure out before picking your tanning options. First, you should go to your doctor and ask him/her how much UV radiation your body can absorb before it starts to shrivel into a cancerous husk. Then, double whatever number he gives you, because doctors are really just guessing. Second, and more important, is where you'll be displaying your beautiful tan later. Where will you be spending the majority of your time as a tannee? Is it the office? The gym? The pool? The county penitentiary? The state penitentiary? On the lam? All these are important and life-changing questions to ask yourself before you decide which type of skin poisoning tanning you go with. Your choices are broken down into three basic categories, as follows

1. Safe - Your doctor seems to actually like you. You should pay him more, so he doesn't recommend you for actual tanning in the future. You probably don't go outside all that much anyway, so please try and get some vitamin D on that pasty skin of yours. Trust me, natural sunlight is perfectly fine in moderation. Don't be afraid. Fresh air won't hurt you.
2. On the Edge - You're really pushing it. All those sports and other physical activity...your skin's not appreciating it, bro. Chillax. If you really want to get tanner, just use some spray. I mean, you shouldn't, because that shit's unhealthy, but if you really need to, it's better than the alternative. Speak of the devil --
3. Bonkers - You really should start bribing your doctor a bit more, because he does not give a flying fruity fuck about what happens to you. Although maybe he realizes that once he lets you get skin cancer in copious amounts you will need to start paying him more. You have the all-clear to jump into as many tanning booths as you want, hoorah! Just don't forget to cover up your "special areas," because nothing stops a party faster than a bright orange schlong. Then again, you probably already know that, if you're the type of person who obsessively tans. Stay away from any beaches with children. Please.

Pick whichever mindset best fits you, or whichever description sounds more like you, or whichever number is your favorite. All are viable methods. Follow the inane and vague instructions, see how it turns out, and always keep in mind that you can't sue me because this is the internet and that's not how it works! Ha ha!

So now you're either super-tan or dead of skin cancer (50/50 tossup, really), but what's next? How can you top it? Rhetorical question number three? Well, I'd like to direct your attention to what somebody famous named Tom Cruise once said while jumping on Oprah's couch. 

"I LOVE TANNING!"

Amen to that, Tommy Boy. Once you start tanning, there's no reason to stop. It's like smoking: you're doing it a lot already, so why bother slowing down? Congratulations-- you are now addicted to tanning! No way can this end badly! Yeehaa!

I've almost forgotten one very important part of the tannification process: always keep breathing. Silly, I know, but often people will get so caught up in their tanning that they forget to breath. I know first-hand. I once saw a man asphyxiate just from staring at the sun too long, so caught up was he in basking in the sun's rays. It's like a fish drowning, except slightly more hipster/ironic (hipstronic?).

Whether your summer plans involve staying as white as an albino or becoming as orange as an Oompa-Loompa, make sure you remember to keep breathing. It's tiring, I know, but it's just one of those things it's good to do every once in a while. And please, don't take small children tanning; they just whine the whole time.

Also, trenchcoats are out.